What the...

Heck, people, HECK!

So, I'm really not sure how I mucked up my doctor's relaying of my scan results, but let's try this again...

1.  The new spot is not in my rib, it's in my spine.  In a thoracic vertebrae, to be exact.  Or at least more specific.
2.  There are two spots left, not just one. But one of them has been around since the diagnosis last year, and has not grown or changed in months (at least 6).
3.  Our new insurance WILL cover the new drug.
4.  I will be on this drug for an indefinite amount of time.


I got a call from the mail-order pharmacy today and I guess I'll be getting the new chemo drug pretty soon.  Please pray with me that the side effects will be minimal. I have a lot of living I need to do this summer! :)

I have an urgent prayer request for you all.  I have very dear friends in Arizona who are walking this nasty cancer road. In fact, the day after my diagnosis, my friend Wayne called and encouraged me for over an hour, and he was headed in for chemo the next day! He's been battling for quite awhile now, and his body is wanting to be done fighting.  But none of us make it through this on our own two feet. Please pray with me for my friend Wayne's healing, and for his beautiful wife Cindy and their wonderful family.

Thank you.

Here is another of my favorite songs. What a beautiful anthem, describing perfectly how as Christians our hope and faith is in a loving God who deserves our praise. Enjoy!

"10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)"

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

[Chorus x2]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name

PET Scan #3 Results

No clever title this time.  That's because I'm hacked.

Well, I guess I'm more...



...nope, I'm hacked.

(this would be in the angry/frustrated sense, not in the "someone stole my identity" sense)


My doctor called yesterday with the less-than-fabulous news.  It is, however, not ALL bad...some of it is very good.

For instance, none of the original cancer sites (there were many, if you remember...lung, lymph nodes, neck, shoulder, back) contain active cancer cells that they can see.

**insert party noises here**

This is, indeed, VERY VERY good.

I wish I could end this post here, but I can't.

Seems some sneaky cancer cells decided to take up residence in one of my ribs and resist my current treatment.  That's right, there's a NEW spot.  It has pretty active little cells in it.

I hate them.

Back before we started this treatment regimen, my doctor said that if after a period of time (a year) there was any activity left (there is) we would try something new (so we are).  I start Tarceva sometime soon, when we are done juggling hand grenades and jumping through flaming hoops in order to attain/pay for said drug.

Our insurance doesn't cover it, but apparently the company that manufactures it gives it free to people such as myself.

This would also be classified under VERY, VERY good.

I am optimistic.  I am grateful.  I am looking forward to not being poked as frequently (Tarceva is a pill I take everyday).  I look forward to not giving up hours and hours sitting in a vinyl chemo chair...


...but I'm still hacked.  I really wanted to be done. Plus, I'm torqued that the cancer figured out how to grow a new spot WHILE I'm in treatment.  Nasty, evil little cells.


So, we keep moving.  Keep fighting.  And we keep praying.

The side effects for Tarceva, like all chemo drugs, is a laundry list of "you might feel this..." I found that I had two or three of the possible side effects from my original chemo drugs, but not all of them by any means.  Again, that is classified as VERY good.  I'm praying my body deals well with the new drug, and that I can enjoy having my kids home this summer.  We have several fun things planned, and dagnabbit, I want to participate! (apparently "dagnabbit" isn't a friend of spellcheck...)

And, above all, we continue to hope.

I wait for the Lord;  I wait, and put my hope in His word.

Psalm 130:5

PET Scan #3

Today was my third PET scan.  Because of Joe's job change, and therefore an insurance change, I had to go to a different hospital.  Before the procedure, they took blood and the nurse looked at me funny (never a good sign) and asked, "Do you feel ok?" When I replied that I did feel a bit woozy (not eating carbs for 24 hours will do that) she said, "Your blood sugar is REALLY low." She was worried I'd pass out, but I didn't, thankfully.  I read later that there are several causes of low blood sugar, including NOT EATING and CHEMOTHERAPY.  Well, duh!  

The procedure was more or less the same, with some minor differences.  For one, they gave me a 44 oz Crystal Light Fruit Punch cocktail to drink ("cocktail" not including alcohol of course, but some sort of barium sulfate...yummmmy...) and an IV filled with something radioactive. No glowing in the dark, though, sorry folks.  Then I napped for 30 minutes (they said I could read, but I was so cold, I had to keep the blanket up to my chin so it was hard to hold anything) and then off to the machine I went.  It looks more or less like this:

PET Scan Machine

I fell asleep during the scan, so it went REALLY quickly. Yay! Off to Kneaders we went, and though I was tempted to order the ooey gooey Cinnamon French Toast, I had the egg sandwich instead.  Oh, and a mint brownie.  Hey, the nurse ordered me to eat a lot of carbs when I got home, so I did! :)

So now we wait.  

I am trying to just push through the day without thinking about it, but it's not easy. One minute I'm sure it's going to come back clean, and the next, I'm sure it won't.  The mind is a trickster, that's for sure.  There's really no point in engaging in those mind games, it is what it is! But boy, do I hate the waiting.

Mother's Day was lovely. My children and hubby brought me breakfast in bed and supplied me with beautiful handmade cards and gifts, plus a gift card to Starbucks.  My "big gift" (though the handmade stuff is really the "big" stuff) is a new screen/security door for my east patio door.  I've been so enjoying the sunrises and the breezes, and decided that was the one place that I needed to be able to "open up" the house.  I'll post pictures when I get it installed. 

The day after Mother's Day was Joe's and my 18th anniversary.  Remembering back to our 17th, when I was in excruciating pain, I knew this anniversary would be 1000 times better! And it did not disappoint.  We went to Nate's baseball game in the afternoon and then dropped the kids off at home. We then enjoyed a lovely dinner at Corbin's Grille, where Joe presented me with his grandmother's wedding ring. I cried, because I'm a sap, and put the beautiful ring on my pinky. Yes, I said my pinky. Although the puffiness is going down, I'm still going to have to have it resized because her fingers were TINY.  I feel blessed and honored to have it, and I will eventually pass it down to Hannah, who carries her namesake.  

After debating what to do next, we ended up at the movie theater. (it isn't often we get to go to a grown-up movie!) After I debunked any ideas of seeing superheroes on the big screen (I know, I know...and I will see it, but NOT on my anniversary) we saw Johnny Depp in Dark Shadows.  Truly one of the oddest movies I've ever seen, but what can you expect from Tim Burton and Johnny Depp? It was entertaining, and kinda creepy.  Johnny Depp is great, as usual.  Totally bizarre story line, and just what we needed...a night of oddity! :)

I'll let you all know when I hear something from my doctor. Thank you for praying! We are so grateful.

Puffiness and PET Scans

So how's that "writing more frequently" thing going, you ask?

Splendidly, as you can plainly see.

I can't pinpoint exactly why I took a hiatus from writing, but it's good to be back. Perhaps I've doled out an excessive amount of oration over the last month and I had nothing left to blog. Perhaps, I was supernaturally silenced in a "keep your big bazoo shut for awhile, you're going to say something dumb and have to apologize" sort of way. All possibilities for sure.  In any way, I'm back.

I had chemo on...oh my goodness, I don't remember...um, let me look it up-

April 30! It was a Monday, as usual, but they were booked in the morning so I had my first ever afternoon chemo.  I didn't get out of there until dinnertime, which was odd.  I felt fine, so I came home and served dinner, shooed the family off to martial arts, and then crashed on the couch. In a nutshell, for the next 9 days I felt steamrolled with a side of poisoned. I didn't get the vicious headache this time, which really made it overall better. I really can't stand the weird side effects. These include excessively watery eyes (for someone who already has overly watery eyes, this is torture...like looking at everything from the bottom of the sea), daily bloody noses, skin sensitivity (gives new meaning to "touch me and you die"), hair loss (though this is improving, I must say), weight gain, and loss, and gain, and more gain, and then some loss and then just general puffiness. Right after I get the steroid, my face starts puffing up. Think "Jack-in-the-Box bobble head, but without the party hat." Hmmm, we don't have that restaurant here in Utah, so let me give you a visual:

Yep, that's pretty good. Pasty white skin and all. Minus the tie, of course. When I smile, my eyes sink 4 inches into my face. Recently I had to dress up for a semi-formal event, and after what was BY FAR my worst temper tantrum of this entire experience (clothing was flying around the room, there were tears, plus stomping, flinging, hissing, and I'm quite sure, at one point, growling) my beloved husband hugged me and told me I was beautiful.  Well, I'm a lot more sentimental than I am vain, so that was all it took. I finished sobbing, put on a comfy pair of pants (ended up most of the women wore pants...I was pleasantly surprised), my prettiest shirt and sweater, and a new necklace and earrings. I felt, for the first time in awhile, (a LONG while), beautiful. Or at least presentable. But it wasn't because of my physical appearance (come on, people, I have MIRRORS) but because Joe was looking at me like he has always looked at me, and I felt, above all, valued. I realize I'm pushing the envelope here on mushiness, but people, it has to be said. I love my husband.  

Spring has finally arrived here in Utah, and let me tell you, I am LOVING it. We've been playing tennis, the kids are riding bikes and playing outside, and baseball season has begun.  Nate plays for his school, and though at heart I am a basketball fan, I do enjoy watching my boy smack one off into left field.  Brad is finishing up driver's ed, and is actually a pretty good driver. He's hesitant, and kinda slow, so I find myself pushing an imaginary gas pedal more than an imaginary brake. He is, of course, terribly excited to be the proud owner (well, driver) of a 2002 Honda Odyssey minivan. The envy of all his peers, I'm sure.

The girls are doing well. Lindsay continues to wow us with her artistic abilities. This summer we are finding opportunities for her to take graphic design classes because her talent is really amazing. It's a gift, and certainly not hereditary. She finds me very amusing as I try to draw rectangles, cones and cylinders for her geometry lessons. I often find myself saying, "Imagine that's a straight line..." 

Kaylee continues to be the happy-go-lucky little girl she's always been (with moments of tween angst thrown in for good measure). She has a social calendar like no other, and I'm tempted to hire a personal driver for her. Oh wait...isn't that why Brad is getting his license? Hannah keeps us guessing...she is one ball of energy with a personality to match. She recently taught herself how to ride a bike, just because she was tired of waiting for us to do it. Mind you, the bike had had air in its tires for a whole 3 days, so it's not like we had waited months...this is just my Hannah! :)

Next week is my PET scan.  If this scan comes back clean, I am OFF chemo. (praying, praying, praying, praying, praying...) If it isn't clean, we just keep on truckin.' (but prepare yourselves for another tantrum!) Even if it is clean, I know the cancer can come back anytime, but dang it, I'm going to live like it's never coming back. I genuinely appreciate everything I've learned this year, and I honestly wouldn't trade those lessons for anything in the world. But I'm tired. I'm really, really tired. And I also know that God could take it away forever. So that's how I'm praying. Join me?

I love you all. I mean that in the most genuine, heartfelt way I can possibly say it. 

...if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.

1 John 4:12

Spring Break and Easter

Not too clever of a title, I'd say...but this is a long post and that's all I got. :)

Well, so much for more regular writing, eh? Once again, it's been nearly 3 weeks. Ah well, ya can't win 'em all, right?

In better news, I have made flying leaps in a few other areas. For one, my closets are looking quite stellar right now. Yes, I realize that in the grand scheme of things, this is a weak accomplishment, but still...I really like clean closets.

I've also taken up exercising. As in, regular exercise. If you've known me for any amount of time, you know I genuinely loathe gyms. I heard Bob Harper say on The Biggest Loser that if you don't like exercising, you haven't found an exercise that you enjoy. Then they went on to showcase several different activities that are great fat-burners. Tennis was the number one sport...and, it just so happens that I love tennis. So, we purchased rackets and balls and have had a blast reacquainting ourselves with the sport. Joe and I used to play racquetball in college and I used to play tennis for fun all the time in high school. Some of it comes right back, and some of it (as in quickness and agility) will take time. Yesterday we played for 2+ hours and I could have kept going. The kids are loving it, too. Looks like we finally found that fun family activity we've been searching for...what took us so long?

I have also spent a generous amount of time looking into the master's program I'd like to pursue. I am so ready to sign on the dotted line...but I feel it's beyond important that we get through the scan in May before making any major decisions. It's not realistic in any way to think I can be successful in school when I'm borderline catatonic every 3 weeks, don't you think? :)

Today was my (possibly) second-to-last chemo. If it is God's will, I am so anxious to close this chapter on my life. There are so many lessons...SO MANY LESSONS...that we've learned this year. That's another post altogether. Keep an eye out. ;)

Sadly, Spring Break for the boys and Lindsay last week was a wash, as Monday was spent cleaning our house (that was me, not them...haha!) and Tuesday my car broke down in the girls' school parking lot. Wednesday was spent in the Primary Children's ER with Hannah, who seems to be having either a relapse of her eosinophilic disease or some other digestive issue. She sees an allergist this Wednesday and a GI doctor hopefully the following week. She's lost 4 pounds, which on a 40-lb kiddo is a lot of weight! Physically she is doing better, but still spends quite a bit of time each day with abdominal pain. She is thrilled that the doctor recommended a Carnation instant breakfast each night before bed, though. She is quite the fan of the strawberry flavor. Thursday was spent nursing her back to health, and Friday was spent trying to put our house back together again. Joe did take the boys to a movie, and they all spent a fair amount of time with friends. However, since our original plan was to go to Disneyland...pretty weak, don't you think? We will go, we WILL. I'm determined. All we need is a good time to go and money. ;)

Easter was wonderful. Saturday night we attended a cantata put on by our wonderful church choir and talented actors in our congregation. Sunday morning we had breakfast with dear friends and a time of reading and discussing John 20 and the meaning of Easter. Then, the afternoon with MORE friends and my mom, enjoying yummy food and fun conversation. Then, we were off to the park for an afternoon of tennis and basketball. It was absolutely wonderful!

The young girls are on Spring Break this week. So far, with such beautiful weather, I've been a bit forceful that they play outside. My ten-year-old drama queen and her friend came in today claiming they just couldn't stand another minute of the squelching heat. Both of them carried on and on...only to be cut off by a chemo-filled, queasy mom who would have none of it. Back outside they went, and somehow managed to survive. It was like 77 today! How did they survive back in Phoenix?

So that's what we've been up to. Over all, it's been a great couple of weeks. I absolutely love spring, and thanks to my friend Jill who planted tulips in my flower bed last fall (without me knowing!) I have beautiful reddish pink tulips blooming. Life is good.

Thanks for reading, and most of all, thank you for keeping our family in your prayers. We are so incredibly blessed by each of you. Our hearts are overwhelmed.

Here's a song that we love. Hope you enjoy it. :)

Here's another video that we've loved for years. It's called "Sunday's Coming." So powerful.

Easter defines our beliefs as Christians. Without the resurrection, Christianity is meaningless. If Christ was not who He said He was, it's all a lie. If He did not rise again after 3 days, there is absolutely no point to believing in Him at all. But He DID die on that cross, and He DID rise again on the third day. His disciples (all but one) died martyred deaths because they SAW, they WITNESSED Him ALIVE again.

 See, from his head, his hands, his feet,   sorrow and love flow mingled down.   Did e'er such love and sorrow meet,   or thorns compose so rich a crown? 

Sunday came.

With apologies to Mr. Hatch...

Well, nothing like starting out a journey towards using words more effectively and graciously with a big 'ol piece of humble pie, eh?

Speaking of graciously, my husband pointed out that perhaps I didn't want to start my journey by jabbing another person with such words as "pompous" and "bloviating." (c'mon, though, you have to admit "bloviating" is a great word.) However, I concede his point. He's right. I should have reined that one in.

So, Mr. Hatch, though you and I have not seen eye-to-eye in the past (earmarks, TARP to name a couple) I thank you for your 36 years. I do genuinely believe it is time for you to retire. What's not to like about retirement? Family, travel, rest and relaxation. Tempting, isn't it? If, however, you remain in office, I will do my best to look for the best in you, and find areas where we have common ground. I make no promises about supporting your policies, but I do promise to give respect where it is due. God bless.

The previous paragraph contains no sarcasm, though I realize it could read as entirely sardonic and snarky. Truly, that isn't my intention.

Okay, I said I'd let you know when I made progress in the area of James 1:19-27. Consider yourselves informed. :)

I'm going to go back into hiding now concerning my opinions on politics, though...just to be safe. :D

T Minus 3 Chemo Treatments

What's that? Only THREE MORE treatments!?!?!

Now you're speaking my language. And mind you, I'm halfway through #1, so let's say 2.5 chemo treatments left for awhile...

"Last" two chemos will be:

April 9

April 30

I want to shout "LAST" with all my heart, but I'm also cautious to do so. I know this cancer comes back, but I also know God could choose to just wipe it out altogether. I never did deal well with conflict, even conflict in my own head. :)

Scan will be the first week of May. So my 18th wedding anniversary the second week will either be the BEST ever...or not. Lots of praying to do.

I'm almost dizzy with the thought of having my life back. So much to look forward to! Here are some plans for the next year:

I'd like to get my master's degree. I realize this could be a several-year process, but that's where I'm heading. I've wanted to for a long time, but hadn't really decided what I wanted to study. I have settled on Library Sciences. Already God is laying ground work for me to get started. For one, Joe was so supportive and excited about the idea. I was surprised, but so GLAD! Not that he's not the MOST supportive person EVER, because he is, but I just didn't know what he'd think of me diving into a rather large (ha! to say the least) project. But we both see this as the best time. God willing, I want to have a future career now that my little loves are growing up. I like a clean house, but truthfully, I need more to do. I'm a bit of a busybody (which is why this year has driven me half insane...I just can't stand all the laying around!) Hannah is 8 now, and if it takes me a few years to complete it, she'll be nearly in junior high. That will be a good time for me to enter the work force, at least part time. Who knows what the future holds, but I figure the more I stay focused on something to do, something to look forward to, my attitude will be better. Discouragement is a bitter enemy. It drains and depletes joy like no other.

This summer I am so looking forward to fun activities with my family. We are going to go fishing, maybe take a trip to Disneyland (if funding permits!) and just focus on spending time together. I also can't wait for Choir Camp in July. Also, this is a GREAT summer for all of you wonderful friends from around the country to come for a visit. Just sayin'!!

I'm also going to try (heh, "TRY" being the operative word) to write more regularly. I find so many wonderful reasons to write, and then, thanks to chemo brain, by the time I sit down to type, I've forgotten what I was going to say. For example, I had several thoughts on Orrin Hatch, the impossible-to-get-rid-of, bloviating, pompous senator from Utah who ran 36 years ago on the premise that the guy before him had been in office for too long. Did you catch that? THIRTY-SIX YEARS, friends. I was FOUR when he was elected. Ironically, the guy he replaced had been in office 18 years. Sigh.

Politics isn't my strength or honestly, my interest, but I do hope to drag you along on other thoughts, rabbit trails, and adventures. Thank you so much for being with me along this one.

I'm also hoping to make the following verses my m.o. We studied them in Sunday school this weekend and though I've read them many times before, they really hit me. I'll let you know what changes I make in response.

^{19 [u]}This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; ²⁰ for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. ²¹Therefore, putting aside all filthiness and all ^[v]that remains of wickedness, in ^[w]humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls. ²² But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves. ²³ For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his ^[x]natural face in a mirror; ²⁴ for once he has looked at himself and gone away, ^[y]he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. ²⁵ But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but ^[z]an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in ^[aa]what he does.

²⁶ If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not^[ab]bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless. ²⁷ Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained ^[ac]by the world.

James 1:19-27